Freedom: Being Rather Than Doing

We often think of freedom as the absence of restraint—the ability to do whatever we want, whenever we want. It's the teenager dreaming of life without parents, the employee fantasizing about quitting their job, or the daydream of winning the lottery and escaping all financial pressures.

But what if true freedom isn't about unrestricted action at all?

Key Takeaways

• True freedom comes from being, not doing: Freedom isn't about unlimited choices but about authentic self-expression in alignment with your deepest values.

• Freedom is about conscious allocation: Real freedom isn't the absence of commitment but the power to decide—and periodically reassess—where we direct our time, energy, and resources.

• Meaningful limitations create liberation: Counter to what we might expect, thoughtfully limiting our options based on what truly matters brings greater freedom than keeping all possibilities open.

• Commitment creates the container for authenticity: Deep freedom emerges within the structure of committed practices, values and relationships—not in their absence.

• Hidden costs exist in what appears to be freedom: Many choices that seem to preserve freedom (avoiding specialization, commitment, planning) actually create invisible limitations that restrict us more profoundly.

• Being seen in our authenticity is the ultimate freedom: The deepest liberation comes when we risk being known for who we truly are, creating a foundation for genuine connection rather than performing what others expect.

The Wisdom of Chosen Commitments

"Freedom is not the absence of commitments, but the ability to choose—and commit myself to—what is best for me." - Erich Fromm

Many operate under the unconscious belief that keeping all options open is the path to freedom. Yet they often find themselves spread thin, never fully present anywhere, always wondering if another choice might be better.

Actually freedom isn't about having infinite options—it's about having the awareness to recognize what truly matters and the courage to commit to those things wholeheartedly.

What makes freedom powerful isn't just the initial choice, but our ongoing ability to reassess and reallocate our precious resources—our time, energy, attention, and material assets. Freedom means having the autonomy to periodically ask, "Is this commitment still aligned with who I am and who I'm becoming?" and to make changes when necessary.

Psychologists who study well-being call this "intentional living"—the practice of making conscious choices aligned with our authentic values rather than defaulting to cultural expectations or fleeting desires. People who make deliberate commitments to meaningful pursuits report significantly higher life satisfaction than those who maintain maximum flexibility.

The truth feels paradoxical: real freedom emerges through commitment, discipline and structure not from their absence.

Think about a skilled dancer. Their freedom of expression didn't come from avoiding structure – it came from years of disciplined practice, from committing deeply to their craft. In those moments of seemingly effortless flow, they're experiencing the ultimate freedom precisely because they've mastered the necessary constraints.

The jazz musician isn't free to improvise beautifully without years of practice. The writer isn't free to express their unique voice without mastering language.

Or consider relationships. We might think that "keeping our options open" creates freedom, but there's also a profound liberation in being fully seen and accepted by someone who has earned our trust. That kind of freedom – to be vulnerably, authentically yourself – can only emerge within the container of commitment and accumulated trust.

The epitome of freedom often is the direct result of thousands of hours of disciplined practice. Only when the constraints of technique had become so integrated that they create the conditions for transcendent expression.

This perspective transforms how we think about the commitments in our lives:

• The commitment to a relationship isn't the end of freedom, but the beginning of the freedom to love deeply, to be vulnerable without fear, to grow through the mirror of another's presence.

• The dedication to a craft or practice isn't limiting, but liberating—creating the freedom to express dimensions of yourself that would otherwise remain dormant. Think of the musician whose technical mastery allows for spontaneous expression of emotions too complex for words.

• The choice to focus your attention and energy isn't constraining—it's the freedom from the tyranny of distraction, the liberation that comes from depth rather than breadth. In a world designed to fragment our attention, the ability to commit deeply to what matters is perhaps the most countercultural freedom of all.

• The commitment to personal growth isn't restrictive—it's the freedom that comes from expanding your internal capacity to respond rather than react, to choose rather than be driven by unconscious patterns.

When we fully understand Fromm's wisdom, we see that meaningful commitments don't restrict our freedom—they are the very soil in which our authentic freedom takes root and flourishes.

The Conscious Freedom of Clear-Eyed Choice

Real freedom isn't fantasy freedom. It comes from choosing with our eyes wide open to both what we're embracing and what we're releasing. Each choice means letting go of other options.

When we consciously eliminate options that don't align with our core values and authentic desires, something remarkable happens. Rather than feeling restricted, we experience a profound liberation – the freedom to dive deeply into what truly matters rather than skimming the surface of endless possibilities.

Think about the most fulfilled people you know. They're rarely those with the most options, but rather those who have chosen their commitments wisely and engaged with them wholeheartedly.

Our brains are actually wired to find relief in healthy limitations. When we commit to meaningful paths and release the cognitive burden of constantly evaluating alternatives, our nervous system can settle into a responsive state rather than remaining stuck in reactivity. In this state, we're more creative, more present, and ultimately more free to be our authentic selves.

Freedom, it turns out, isn't about having infinite options. It's about limiting our options to what truly matters – and then diving in with our whole hearts.

Every meaningful choice closes certain doors even as it opens others.

This awareness doesn't diminish our freedom – it deepens it. When we choose with full consciousness of the trade-offs involved, our choices become expressions of our authentic values rather than impulsive grabs at having it all.

Unveiling the Hidden Costs of Our "Freedoms"

What makes this particularly challenging is that many of the limitations created by our choices remain invisible to us until we intentionally shine a light on them.

Consider these examples:

The person who keeps their romantic options open believes they're preserving their freedom. But beneath the surface, this choice often creates hidden limitations: the inability to develop deep intimacy that only comes through commitment, the unintentional filtering out of potential partners who desire mutual dedication, and the emotional energy constantly spent evaluating relationships rather than building them. As relationship researcher Dr. Sue Johnson discovered, those who fear commitment often create the very emotional isolation they're subconsciously trying to avoid.

The professional who avoids specialization to "keep their options open" may miss the freedom that comes with mastery. Specialists typically have more career autonomy, greater impact, and ironically, more diverse opportunities within their field than generalists. The hidden cost of maintaining broad options is often the inability to reach the depth that creates true professional freedom.

The parent who resists creating firm boundaries with their children in the name of being "the cool mom" or "the fun dad" often discovers too late that this apparent freedom creates the hidden limitation of not developing their authority. Child psychologists consistently find that children who grow up without clear boundaries struggle more with self-regulation – meaning the parent's "freedom" from setting limits actually creates less freedom for both parent and child in the long run.

The creative who jumps between projects whenever inspiration wanes misses the deeper creative freedom that emerges when pushing through resistance. The apparent freedom of following only momentary inspiration creates the hidden limitation of never developing the craft required for more profound creative expression.

The consumer who preserves financial "freedom" by avoiding financial planning may maintain the momentary liberty to spend impulsively, but often creates the hidden limitation of long-term financial constraints. The psychological concept of "present bias" explains why immediate financial freedoms often create invisible future limitations that feel shockingly restrictive when they eventually emerge.

In each case, freedom comes not from avoiding limitations but from consciously choosing which limitations serve our deepest values. True freedom lives in that space of conscious choice – where we see clearly both what we're saying yes to and what we're saying no to, and we choose with our whole hearts anyway.

The Freedom of Being Truly Seen

Perhaps the deepest form of freedom comes from being truly seen and accepted for who we are. This isn't about being observed superficially, but being witnessed in our full complexity – our strengths and vulnerabilities, our light and shadow aspects.

Yet this profound freedom only becomes possible through commitment – to ourselves and within our relationships.

Many people spent years "keeping things casual" in relationships, fearing that commitment would trap them. What often emerges through reflection is the realization that they've never experienced the freedom of being fully themselves with another person. They're always performing, always holding back parts of themselves, always maintaining an escape route. It's only when someone risks commitment that they discover what true relational freedom feels like – the liberation of being seen, known, accepted, and loved for their authentic self.

The safety created through committed attachment actually expands our freedom to express our true nature.

The Journey to Unrestricted Authenticity

The path to true freedom—unrestricted authenticity—is both beautiful and challenging. It's a lifelong journey rather than a destination, requiring dedication, courage, and compassion toward ourselves and others.

Embracing Responsibility for Our Wholeness

Authentic freedom carries with it a profound responsibility: to know and integrate all parts of ourselves. This means:

• Facing our shadows: The parts we've denied, repressed, or hidden—often the very qualities that, when acknowledged, become sources of strength and creativity.

• Healing our wounds: The emotional injuries that cause us to react automatically rather than choosing freely how we want to respond.

• Developing our potential: Freedom involves the responsibility to become who we're capable of being. Like a seed that contains the blueprint of a tree, we carry within us undeveloped capacities waiting to be expressed.

Research in post-traumatic growth shows that people who face their pain often discover unexpected strengths. Our freedom expands as we integrate difficult experiences rather than avoid them.

The Liberation of Self-Restraint

Counterintuitively, authentic freedom sometimes means choosing not to do certain things:

• Declining the extra drink when it conflicts with your value of clear-mindedness

• Resisting the urge to lash out when triggered, honoring your commitment to kindness

• Saying no to immediate pleasure when it undermines long-term wellbeing or purpose

Neuropsychology confirms this wisdom. Studies on delayed gratification show that the ability to postpone immediate rewards for future benefits correlates strongly with life satisfaction and success. Our brain's prefrontal cortex—the seat of executive function—allows us to override impulses in service of deeper values.

The Illusion of Pleasure-Seeking

Many of us chase freedom through pleasure—the new purchase, the perfect vacation, the ideal relationship. But research in positive psychology repeatedly shows that hedonic pursuits (pleasure-seeking) provide only temporary boosts in happiness.

The hedonic treadmill—our tendency to quickly return to baseline happiness regardless of positive events—means that freedom through pleasure-seeking is like drinking saltwater to quench thirst. It temporarily satisfies but ultimately increases the craving.

True liberation comes through living a life of meaning, purpose, and values. This form of happiness doesn't deplete with time but deepens, creating a sustainable foundation for authentic freedom.

The Gift of Being Seen

Perhaps one of the most profound aspects of authentic freedom is the connection it creates with others. When we reveal our true selves:

• We inspire others to do the same

• We create the possibility for genuine intimacy rather than connection between false selves

• We discover that our most personal struggles and joys are often universal

Neuroscience has identified "mirror neurons" that activate when we observe others, creating a biological basis for empathy. When you express your authentic self, you literally help activate authenticity in others. Your freedom becomes contagious.

Moreover, being truly seen and accepted creates a neurological safety that allows for even greater self-expression. The oxytocin released during moments of genuine connection reinforces our capacity for vulnerability—creating an upward spiral of authentic freedom.

The Practice of Authentic Freedom

If freedom is about being rather than doing, how do we practice it?

1. Courageous self-inquiry: Ask difficult questions about your desires, fears, and motivations. Journal, meditate, or work with a therapist to explore your inner landscape.

2. Pause before reacting: As psychologist and Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl observed: "Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response." Developping emotional regulation skills allow for pausing and responding intentionnally rather than reacting.

3. Self-reliance: Develop the capacity to meet your own emotional and practical needs. When we build internal resources rather than depending entirely on external validation or support, we make choices from a place of wholeness rather than lack. This doesn't mean isolation—it means bringing a complete self to our relationships and commitments.

4. Incremental authenticity: Practice expressing your truth in gradually expanding circles of safety, starting with trusted friends and building outward.

5. Intentional boundaries: Create limits that protect your authentic self rather than walls that imprison it. Learn to say both yes and no from your center.

6. Value-aligned restraint: Practice the discipline of choosing your deeper values over momentary impulses, not from rigid control but from self-respect.

7. Compassionate integration: Approach your shadows and limitations with curiosity rather than judgment, gradually including more aspects of yourself in your self-concept.

8. Vulnerable connection: Risk being seen for who you truly are, creating spaces where others can do the same.

The Courage to Be Free

The path of being freely, fully yourself means being visible, vulnerable, and sometimes standing alone. It means taking responsibility for your choices rather than blaming others for your constraints.

Yet this is where true liberation lies—not in doing whatever momentary whims suggest, but in being who you are in all your complexity, across all domains of your life.

True freedom isn't about unrestricted action. It's about unrestricted authenticity—the courage to be fully, imperfectly, magnificently yourself.