Choosing the Wrong Traits in a Partner: What Nature Can Teach Us

When searching for a romantic partner, many people unknowingly select traits that may not align with long-term relationship success. Attraction often prioritizes characteristics such as confidence, social dominance, and external success—qualities that resemble those favored by tournament species in the animal kingdom. However, for relationships built on deep connection and shared life goals, a different set of traits may be far more valuable.

Tournament Species vs. Pair-Bonding Species:

A Natural Comparison

In the animal world, species follow different mating strategies, typically falling into one of two categories: tournament species and pair-bonding species.

• Tournament species: In these species, mating success is highly competitive, with one sex (usually males) competing intensely for access to mates. Only the strongest, most dominant, or most visually appealing individuals reproduce, while others are left out. These species tend to have high sexual dimorphism (visible differences between males and females), with males often being much larger or more ornamented.

  • Examples: Peacocks, where males display extravagant feathers to attract mates, and gorillas, where dominant silverbacks monopolize access to females.

    
    

• Pair-bonding species: These species prioritize long-term monogamous or semi-monogamous relationships, where both partners invest in raising offspring. Instead of competing for mates through dominance or display, individuals attract partners by demonstrating qualities that ensure cooperative survival and care for offspring, such as emotional bonding, cooperation, and mutual support.

  • Examples: Swans, which engage in synchronized movements and mutual preening, and wolves, where the alpha pair works together to hunt and raise their young.

Humans, interestingly, fall somewhere in between these two strategies. While we exhibit traits of both tournament and pair-bonding species, the qualities we prioritize in mate selection often reflect tournament species criteria, even when we are ultimately seeking pair-bonding relationships.

The Paradox: Looking for a Pair-Bonding Relationship Using Tournament Species Criteria

One of the fundamental paradoxes in human relationships is that many people seek long-term, stable pair-bonding relationships while using selection criteria suited for tournament species.

• Physical attractiveness (which signals health and genetic fitness in tournament species) is often prioritized over emotional intelligence or dependability.

• Social status and dominance (important in tournament species for securing access to mates) are often favored over qualities like cooperation and commitment.

• Charm and short-term excitement are frequently mistaken for long-term compatibility.

This paradox leads to a mismatch: people seek relationships built on trust and mutual support while being drawn to individuals who thrive in competitive, high-status environments but may not be well-suited for emotional closeness and long-term partnership.

Actually, not long ago in an evolutionnary timeframe, these tournament-style traits were relevant for offspring survival. A high-status mate with strong physical traits could provide better access to resources and protection, and physical attractiveness often signaled good health and good genes. Our unconscious instincts haven't yet caught up to the reality that, in today's world, cooperative parenting, emotional stability, and effective communication may be far more important for ensuring a child's success than physical dominance or status. This lag in evolutionary adaptation explains why many people still feel a strong pull toward tournament traits, even when they consciously seek a different kind of relationship.

Moreover, media and pop culture reinforce this tournament-style selection, amplifying the desirability of traits associated with short-term competition—beauty, confidence, dominance, and social prestige—while downplaying the quieter qualities that foster deep, lasting connections.

Importantly, these selection patterns apply to both men and women. While women have historically been drawn to status and protection, men have also been influenced by tournament species instincts—valuing physical beauty, social desirability, and fertility cues. However, just as dominance does not guarantee long-term security for women, beauty and charm do not necessarily translate to strong emotional support and partnership for men. Both genders benefit from selecting a partner based on pair-bonding traits, such as emotional intelligence, reliability, and mutual investment in the relationship.

The Neurochemical Basis of Attraction

Our attraction patterns aren't just evolutionary—they're biochemical. The human brain processes attraction in three distinct phases, each governed by different neurochemicals that influence what we prioritize in potential partners:

• Lust Phase (Dominated by Testosterone and Estrogen) During this initial phase, physical attraction reigns supreme. These sex hormones drive us toward traits associated with reproductive fitness—symmetrical features, signs of health, and secondary sex characteristics. This explains our initial draw toward "tournament species" traits like physical beauty or dominance.

  
  

• Attraction Phase (Dominated by Dopamine, Norepinephrine, and Serotonin) This phase creates the exhilarating feeling of "falling in love." Dopamine activates reward pathways, making us crave the person's presence. Norepinephrine increases excitement and attention, while serotonin decreases, creating obsessive thinking. During this phase, we tend to overlook incompatibilities and idealize our partner's tournament-style traits.

  
  

• Attachment Phase (Dominated by Oxytocin and Vasopressin) These hormones promote bonding, trust, and emotional connection—qualities essential for pair-bonding. Oxytocin, released during physical touch and intimate moments, creates feelings of security and trust. Vasopressin encourages loyalty and devotion to one's partner.

Understanding this neurochemical progression helps explain why initial attraction often prioritizes different qualities than those that sustain long-term relationships. By recognizing that early-stage chemistry is heavily influenced by hormones that emphasize tournament-style selection, we can more consciously evaluate potential partners beyond these powerful but potentially misleading signals.

The Hidden Trade-Off:

Why Exceptional Physical Beauty and Great Success May Indicate Poor Emotional Skills

Ironically, the very traits that make someone exceptionally desirable in a competitive dating landscape—such as extraordinary physical appearance or high social status—can sometimes correlate with a lack of reliability or emotional intelligence.

• Reduced Need to Develop Emotional Skills: People who are highly attractive or extremely successful often do not have to cultivate strong emotional intelligence or reliability because they can attract partners based on surface-level traits alone. They may receive admiration and attention without needing to work on deeper interpersonal skills.

• Abundance of Choice & Lower Commitment: Those with extreme beauty or success often have more dating options, which can sometimes reduce the incentive to invest deeply in one relationship. This can lead to a pattern of avoidance when emotional challenges arise.

• High External Validation: When someone receives constant external validation for their looks or achievements, they may be less motivated to develop internal emotional resilience, self-awareness, or the ability to nurture a partner.

• Lack of Hardships That Build Resilience: Often, emotional intelligence, resilience, and interpersonal skills develop through overcoming life’s hardships. Those who have relied primarily on their appearance or success for social and romantic validation may not have faced the same challenges that require deep self-reflection and emotional growth.

This does not mean that all highly attractive or successful individuals lack emotional intelligence, but rather that these qualities do not necessarily go hand-in-hand. If anything, extreme external advantages can create a trade-off, making it less likely that the person had to develop emotional depth or relational skills.

What Else Can We Learn from Pair-Bonding Species in Mate Selection?

Beyond prioritizing long-term commitment, pair-bonding species provide valuable insights into mate selection that can be applied to human relationships:

• Mutual Courtship & Reciprocity: Unlike tournament species, where one sex (typically males) competes while the other selects, pair-bonding species engage in mutual courtship. Both partners demonstrate their value through shared effort.

  • Human parallel: Instead of passively evaluating partners based on external traits, a more effective approach is to seek reciprocity—mutual investment in building a connection and emotional giving from both sides.

    
    

• Cooperation & Problem-Solving in Mating Rituals: Many pair-bonding species engage in cooperative behaviors before mating, such as building nests together (birds) or hunting in pairs (wolves).

  • Human parallel: A good predictor of long-term relationship success is how well partners work together through challenges. Observing how a potential partner handles teamwork, decision-making, and conflict resolution is far more revealing than surface-level attraction.

    
    

• Emotional Synchronization & Bonding Rituals: Pair-bonding species reinforce emotional closeness through repeated bonding behaviors—wolves nuzzle and play, penguins vocalize to recognize their mate, and primates groom each other.

  • Human parallel: Healthy relationships are built through shared rituals of bonding, such as deep conversations, small acts of affection, and emotional attunement. Instead of just seeking excitement or validation, relationships should be cultivated through consistent emotional connection.

    
    

• Long-Term Investment Over Flashy Displays: Tournament species rely on high-energy, short-term displays to attract mates, while pair-bonding species focus on slow, intentional mate selection based on reliability.

  • Human parallel: Instead of being drawn to instant chemistry or status, it’s valuable to observe a partner’s behavior over time. Are they dependable, thoughtful, and invested in long-term well-being, or do they rely on charm and fleeting attraction?

Rethinking Attraction:

What Should We Really Be Looking For?

If long-term fulfillment is the goal, shifting our focus from dominance-driven traits to qualities that indicate partnership potential is crucial. Instead of being drawn to someone solely for their confidence or status, we might ask:

• Do they show emotional resilience and adaptability?

• Are they able to nurture and support others?

• Can they communicate honestly and work through conflicts?

• Do they share similar values and life aspirations?

  
  

Examples of Pair-Bonding Traits in Practice

What do pair-bonding traits actually look like in day-to-day relationship contexts?

Here are practical examples of how these qualities manifest:

Emotional Resilience and Adaptability

• Responds to disappointment or changes in plans with flexibility rather than blame

• Recovers from arguments without prolonged stonewalling or resentment

• Adjusts expectations when circumstances change without becoming controlling

Nurturing and Support

• Offers practical help during partner's illness without being asked

• Actively listens to partner's concerns without immediately offering solutions

• Celebrates partner's achievements genuinely, without competitiveness

• Makes small sacrifices for partner's wellbeing without keeping score

Honest Communication and Conflict Resolution

• Brings up concerns directly rather than through passive-aggressive behavior

• Stays engaged during difficult conversations instead of shutting down

• Apologizes sincerely when wrong and makes tangible changes

• Expresses needs clearly without manipulation or ultimatums

Shared Values and Life Vision

• Demonstrates consistent actions that align with stated values

• Shows similar approaches to financial decisions and resource allocation

• Exhibits compatible views on family, work-life balance, and major life decisions

• Makes choices that reflect long-term thinking rather than immediate gratification

These behaviors might not create the intense excitement of tournament-style traits, but they build a foundation of trust, respect, and mutual growth that sustains love through life's inevitable challenges.

Reframing Tournament Species Traits into Healthier, Sustainable Qualities

Instead of entirely dismissing the traits we are naturally drawn to from tournament species selection, we can shift the focus from superficial, short-term indicators of desirability to more meaningful, sustainable qualities that support a fulfilling relationship. Here’s how we can reframe tournament species traits into healthier ones that align with long-term well-being:

• Beauty → Vitality & Holistic Well-Being

  • While physical attractiveness often signals genetic fitness in the wild, in humans, it is heavily influenced by social conditioning, cosmetic enhancements, and trends. Rather than prioritizing superficial beauty, focusing on overall vitality, self-care, and energy levels leads to natural attractiveness.

  • Healthier Alternative: Prioritize maintaining energy, strength, and well-being by staying active, eating nutritious foods, and developing sustainable habits that promote long-term health. A person full of life, enthusiasm, and physical well-being is naturally more engaging and attractive.

• Status & Wealth → Financial Autonomy & Stability

  • In tournament species, dominance and resource control ensure survival. While financial stability is essential in human relationships, chasing high status or extreme wealth can sometimes signal insecurity, workaholism, or an inability to prioritize relationships. Instead, we can shift our focus toward autonomy and financial responsibility—ensuring one can take care of oneself without being dependent on a partner.

  • Healthier Alternative: Look for financial responsibility, ambition, and the ability to create a stable, independent life rather than just wealth or flashy status. Financial autonomy allows for interdependence rather than dependence, leading to a healthier dynamic in relationships.

• Dominance & Confidence → Emotional Strength & Self-Leadership

  • Tournament species favor aggressive dominance, but in human relationships, dominance without emotional intelligence can lead to control, lack of vulnerability, and poor communication. True leadership in a relationship comes from inner confidence, emotional regulation, and the ability to navigate challenges with maturity.

  • Healthier Alternative: Seek partners who display emotional strength, self-awareness, and the ability to communicate assertively yet kindly. A strong partner is one who can self-regulate, manage stress, and remain present in difficult conversations rather than just projecting power.

• Short-Term Excitement & Charm → Depth, Consistency & Passion for Life

  • Charisma and charm can be thrilling, but they are often surface-level traits that do not indicate long-term reliability. Instead of being drawn solely to high-energy excitement, we can appreciate people who bring depth, curiosity, and sustained passion into their lives.

  • Healthier Alternative: Prioritize partners who are consistent in their words and actions, show depth of thought and emotional engagement, and cultivate passions and interests that make them naturally stimulating companions over time.

    
    

How to Shift Attraction Toward Long-Term Partnership Traits

If we recognize that our instincts often pull us toward traits that may not serve long-term relationship success, how can we actively shift what we find attractive? Here are some ways to rewire our attraction patterns:

• Increase Self-Awareness: Reflect on past relationships and identify which qualities contributed to long-term satisfaction versus short-term excitement. Awareness of past patterns can help reframe what we value.

• Expose Yourself to Healthy Relationship Models: Observing and engaging with couples who embody partnership traits can make these qualities more desirable. Seeing the benefits of emotional security and deep connection firsthand helps reshape attraction.

• Slow Down Initial Attraction: Instead of rushing into relationships based on immediate chemistry, take time to assess a potential partner's deeper qualities. Emotional intelligence, consistency, and kindness often reveal themselves over time.

• Date with Intention: Instead of relying purely on instinct, set conscious criteria for what makes a good long-term partner and actively look for these qualities in potential mates.

• Understand That This Isn't About Forcing Yourself: Shifting attraction isn’t about pushing yourself to be with someone you’re not naturally drawn to—it’s about rewiring what you find attractive in the first place. The goal is to cultivate an appreciation for traits that genuinely contribute to long-term happiness, rather than blindly following conditioned desires.

  
  

Engage in Personal Growth: The Most Important Shift

Personal growth is the most powerful tool in reshaping attraction. True compatibility comes from complementarity, not from filling a void, and a strong and healthy relationship is based on alignment rather than need. When we focus on personal growth, we move away from seeking a partner to complete us and instead attract someone who complements and enhances our journey.

Developing internally can significantly influence the kind of partner we are drawn to and the relationships we cultivate. Here’s how:

• Check for Unmet Needs Driving Attraction: Sometimes, the traits we seek in a partner are compensations for unmet emotional needs. In modern relationships, beauty is often more about propping up self-esteem than signaling good genes, and status is more about self-worth than actual protection. While these desires are understandable, meeting these needs outwardly often comes at a cost—leading us to prioritize external validation over emotional security. On the other hand, cultivating self-esteem and self-worth internally is more likely to guide us toward secure, emotionally stable partners who contribute to long-term well-being.

• Develop Repressed Traits (Shadow Work): Attraction is often influenced by qualities we have suppressed in ourselves. If we are strongly attracted to unpredictability or dominance, it may indicate that we have repressed our own spontaneity or strength. Likewise, if we are drawn to fragility or vulnerability, we may have disconnected from our own sensitivity. By reintegrating these repressed traits, we can shift our infatuation away from external validation and towards a more balanced attraction rooted in self-awareness and wholeness.

• Regulate Your Nervous System: A well-regulated nervous system, achieved through having core needs met and developing healthy stress-relief strategies, can improve intuition about what truly aligns with us. When we are emotionally balanced, we can better distinguish between authentic attraction and conditioned impulses.

• Gain Clarity on Your Values and Life Direction: Personal growth includes developing a clear understanding of your own core values and life direction. When you've defined what truly matters to you—whether it's honesty, family, personal freedom, creativity, or stability—you naturally become more attracted to partners whose values align with yours. Similarly, gaining clarity on major life goals (regarding children, career priorities, lifestyle preferences) helps you recognize compatible partners with whom you can build a shared future. This self-knowledge creates an internal compass that guides your attraction toward relationships with genuine long-term potential rather than relationships based primarily on surface-level appeal.

• Don’t Be Afraid to Rock the Boat Constructively: Conflict management is a critical component of long-term relationship success. A healthy partnership isn't about avoiding conflict but about handling disagreements with respect and mutual understanding. If we are drawn to relationships that avoid confrontation, we may need to cultivate our ability to assert our needs and navigate difficult conversations.

• Often, we attract what we seek in ourselves. Developing qualities like emotional regulation, self-reliance and communication can naturally shift the type of partner we are drawn to.

  
  

The Authentic Self Check-In

Focus on How You Feel During Dating: One of the most reliable indicators of compatibility is how you feel in a potential partner's presence. Regularly check in with yourself during the early dating phase by asking:

• Do I feel I can be authentically myself, or am I constantly editing my words and behaviors?

• Do I feel comfortable expressing my true needs, boundaries, and desires, or do I find myself hiding aspects of who I am?

• Does this person's presence make me feel energized and secure, or drained and anxious?

• Can I disagree with this person without fear of rejection or conflict?

• Am I being valued for who I truly am rather than who they want me to be?

When you're with someone who allows you to be authentic without judgment, you're likely experiencing a relationship based on genuine connection rather than tournament-style attraction. Feeling the need to constantly perform or hide parts of yourself often indicates an underlying incompatibility that no amount of surface-level chemistry can overcome. Trust these emotional signals—they often reveal compatibility issues before your conscious mind recognizes them.

Call to Action

Now that you have a deeper understanding of how attraction works and the hidden patterns that influence it, take the next step. Reflect on your past attractions, assess your current relationship choices, and commit to personal growth.

What qualities truly contribute to lasting happiness for you?

Start cultivating those qualities within yourself and seek them in others. Attraction is not just instinct—it’s something we can shape with awareness and intention. The more intentional you become about your choices, the more fulfilling and aligned your relationships will be.