The Illusion of Freedom: When Non-Monogamy and "Boy Sober" Become Coping Strategies

In the quest for fulfilling relationships, many people experiment with different relational models, hoping to escape patterns of disappointment and heartbreak. Two common approaches that have gained traction are non-monogamy and the "boy sober" movement—where individuals, often women, take a break from dating entirely. While these choices can be healthy and intentional, they are often used as helpless strategies to cope with relationship disappointments, rather than as pathways to genuine fulfillment.

The Root of the Problem: Unclear Desires and Missing Skills

ENM and "boy sober" can be healthy choices when they are used intentionally to create space for personal growth. When approached with the goal of building the missing personnal or interpersonnal skills, these phases can provide valuable opportunities for self-discovery and healing. However, when used as permanent strategies to bypass emotional work, they risk reinforcing avoidance patterns rather than fostering genuine relational fulfillment. Many who turn to non-monogamy or abstain from relationships altogether do so out of frustration—perhaps due to a pattern of unfulfilling connections, feeling trapped in unhealthy dynamics, or a deep-seated fear of vulnerability. However, these choices often mask an underlying issue: a lack of clarity about what one truly wants in a relationship and the skills required to cultivate it.

Non-Monogamy as a Means to Reduce Relationship Charge

For many, ENM is not a genuine embrace of relational abundance but rather a strategy to minimize emotional vulnerability and relational labor. It often serves as a way to gain greater access to sex while reducing the mental and emotional charge that comes with deep relationships. While ENM is sometimes framed as a progressive, liberated choice, in many cases, it primarily serves to lower the investment cost of relationships while maintaining the benefits. ENM allows individuals to sidestep difficult relational work—such as negotiating needs, expressing vulnerability, or navigating the emotional complexities of commitment. However, for those who prioritize other aspects of their lives—such as career, personal growth, or creative pursuits—ENM can also serve as a way to engage in relationships while keeping emotional investment at a manageable level.

While some individuals may truly thrive in ENM and form meaningful, deep connections, for many, it dilutes emotional investment and prevents the kind of full presence required to build profound intimacy. Since relationships are spread across multiple partners, the level of emotional depth in any one connection often suffers. Instead of fostering security and deep trust, ENM can create an illusion of connection while maintaining a safe emotional distance.

Additionally, non-monogamy is sometimes pursued not because it aligns with one’s true desires, but as a defense mechanism against deeper relational fears. If someone struggles with trust, emotional intimacy, or the vulnerability of commitment, ENM can provide the illusion of control—keeping multiple partners at arm’s length rather than facing the emotional risks of genuine attachment. While this approach may feel liberating in the short term, it often leads to a cycle of shallow relationships that never fully satisfy the deeper human need to be seen, understood, and accepted.

Deep relationships require full emotional presence, consistent commitment, and a willingness to navigate difficulties together. Most people already struggle to deeply nurture one relationship; dividing emotional energy among multiple partners often leads to surface-level connections rather than truly meaningful bonds. A fulfilling relationship is not just about access to multiple connections but about the ability to build something deeply significant with another person—something that requires sustained emotional investment, trust, and intentionality.

The "Boy Sober" Strategy: A Path to Autonomy or Avoidance?

The decision to take a break from dating—going "boy sober" or "girl sober"—can be incredibly valuable when done with intention, creating space to heal, reflect, and reset relational patterns. It can help individuals build autonomy and break patterns of codependency, which is particularly beneficial for women who have historically been socialized to derive self-worth from relationships. By stepping away from dating, one can develop a stronger sense of self, clarify their values, and cultivate personal fulfillment independent of romantic involvement.

However, "boy sober" does not inherently teach relational skills. The ability to navigate connection, express needs, and work through relational tension must be developed through interaction rather than isolation. Without practicing these skills, taking a break from dating can lead to counter-dependence, emotional distancing through building walls and defensive detachment, and a lack of vulnerable expression—key elements needed for fulfilling relationships. Simply avoiding romantic connections does not teach one how to navigate them effectively. Without active effort toward emotional growth, "boy sober" can reinforce avoidance rather than lead to deeper self-awareness and relational competence.

The Evolutionary Influence on ENM and Boy Sober

Men and women have historically approached relationships differently due to reproductive and social dynamics. Traditional marriage structures provided a balance between these needs—men gained consistent access to sex and reproduction, while women secured resources and commitment. However, this arrangement often came at the cost of personal freedom for both genders.

With the rise of personal autonomy and economic independence, dating trends have shifted, leading to a reconfiguration of gender dynamics. ENM can be seen as an extension of men's historical tendency to seek multiple partners while lowering relational effort, whereas "boy sober" can be understood as a response to this shift, where women disengage rather than participate in an unbalanced system. Rather than competing for emotionally unavailable partners, some women are prioritizing self-growth and autonomy.

These modern adaptations reflect an ongoing evolution in relational strategies. While biological influences may still shape dating behaviors, the key to fulfillment today is not simply reacting to these trends, but consciously developing the skills and clarity needed for meaningful relationships.

The Shift from Necessity to Choice in Relationships 

Historically, relationships were often based on necessity—people partnered for survival, financial stability, or societal expectations. Today, relationships are primarily based on choice, allowing for deeper emotional fulfillment but also creating new challenges. The difficulty is that many of us have not been modeled fulfilling relationships. Without clear examples, we often default to superficial markers of success—such as looks, status, or wealth—rather than understanding what actually contributes to long-term fulfillment. This leads to disappointment when these external attributes fail to provide the deep connection and emotional safety we crave. The transition from relationships of necessity to relationships of choice means we must actively learn what makes a partnership truly fulfilling, rather than simply following outdated or unrealistic ideals.

What Makes a Partnership Truly Fulfilling?

A truly fulfilling relationship allows both partners to be completely themselves while feeling deeply valued, loved, and understood. It fosters a space where: A truly fulfilling relationship allows both partners to be completely themselves while feeling deeply valued, loved, and understood. It fosters a space where:

• You feel safe to express your true self without fear of judgment or rejection.

• You are deeply seen, understood, and accepted in both your strengths and vulnerabilities.

• Love and connection are based on emotional intimacy, not performance—you don’t have to “earn” affection by meeting certain conditions.

• You can navigate challenges with honesty and respect, growing stronger through conflict rather than being torn apart by it.

• Your individuality is cherished, with both partners supporting each other’s personal growth while nurturing the shared bond.

• You are both supported and challenged in the right ratio for growth, ensuring that the relationship fosters personal and mutual evolution without overwhelming or stifling either partner.

• Sexual connection is integrated with emotional intimacy, creating a space where physical and emotional desires are mutually understood, respected, and nurtured. A fulfilling sexual connection is based on trust, exploration, and the ability to communicate desires openly, fostering a space where both partners feel safe to express their authentic needs and experience intimacy that deepens emotional connection.

A fulfilling relationship is not just about attraction, compatibility, or shared interests—it’s about the deep sense of belonging and acceptance that comes from being fully known and loved for who you are.

A Better Approach: Building Clarity and Skills 

Rather than swinging between extremes—embracing non-monogamy to avoid commitment or withdrawing entirely to avoid pain—the key is to develop clarity and the necessary relational skills to create fulfilling connections.

• Get Clear on What You Truly Want Many people assume they want love but haven’t defined what that looks like for them. Do you want depth, exclusivity, companionship, intellectual stimulation, or a sense of adventure? Without defining your core needs and values, you risk making choices based on past wounds rather than future aspirations. Understanding your values is crucial, as they serve as a foundation for the type of relationship that will truly fulfill you. Without a clear grasp of what you stand for and seek in a partner, you may find yourself compromising in ways that lead to dissatisfaction or misalignment. 

• Identify the Skills You Need to Develop If past relationships have been disappointing, ask yourself: What skills do I lack to create the relationship I truly want? Do I struggle with setting boundaries, identifying and communicating my needs, recognizing red flags, accepting the reality of where people are or managing emotional regulation? Instead of changing the structure of your relationships (monogamous vs. non-monogamous, dating vs. abstaining), focus on building the relational muscle necessary for meaningful connection.

• Cultivate Wholeness Before Entering a Relationship Ensure that you are making relationship choices out of aspiration rather than lack. Being a whole and fulfilled individual helps prevent seeking a partner to fill emotional voids, leading to healthier and more fulfilling connections. A strong sense of self-worth, personal purpose, and emotional resilience will enhance the relationship rather than burden it with unmet personal needs.

• Move Toward Relationships with Intention Whether choosing monogamy, non-monogamy, or a break from dating, the key is intentionality. If you pursue non-monogamy, ask yourself if it’s genuinely aligned with your values or if it’s a way to avoid relational work or commitment. If you take a dating hiatus, use that time for growth rather than avoidance. Clarity and relational intelligence—not avoidance—are the real solutions to relationship disappointment.

Non-monogamy and "boy sober" lifestyles can be intentional choices, but they should not be used as escape routes from deeper relational work. While these trends reflect broader shifts in gender dynamics and evolutionary adaptations, the real challenge lies not in choosing between relational structures but in developing the skills necessary to foster meaningful connections.

Understanding your needs, values, and relational blind spots is essential for creating fulfilling relationships. The modern dating landscape presents new complexities, but the fundamental work remains the same—cultivating emotional intelligence, self-awareness, and the ability to build deep, reciprocal bonds. Instead of reacting to external dating trends, fulfillment comes from engaging in relationships with clarity, intention, and emotional depth.

Ultimately, relationship fulfillment is not about avoiding discomfort but about embracing the necessary growth that allows for genuine intimacy. The most important shift isn’t about choosing between monogamy, non-monogamy, or avoidance—it’s about showing up with the emotional maturity and skills required to create truly aligned and enduring connections.

For a deeper look at how evolutionary strategies shape modern dating trends and the competition between gendered relationship needs, check out my next post on this topic