Beyond Chance: How to Prepare for a True Romantic Encounter

Key Points

• Romantic encounters aren’t just a passive revelation or a miracle of chance. They are an equation where our inner preparation plays a crucial role:

  • Luck = Opportunity × Preparation.

• Instead of searching for someone with specific traits, let's focus on the kind of interaction we want to create in our relationship.

• Lasting love is built as a space of co-creation where two people shape a unique experience that fulfills ans elevate them both.

• Intention is the sweet spot between a rigid vision of the ideal partner and having no direction at all in our love life.

• Knowing how to distinguish real incompatibilities (non-negotiables) from natural complexities (which can actually enrich the relationship) is a key relational skill.

• Our first task isn't to search for love outside ourselves, but to remove the inner barriers we've built against it.

• The real encounter isn't the one that strikes like lightning. It's the one we consciously choose to nurture and grow.

The Myth of Pure Chance

We often hear that love is a mystery, a matter of luck, a blessing that falls upon us when we least expect it.

This idea — popularized by many authors, including recently Charles Pépin — paints love as something almost magical, an event that happens to us rather than an experience we build.

There's some truth to it — who hasn’t felt that miraculous feeling during a meaningful encounter? But I find this view incomplete, even problematic. It casts us as passive spectators in our own love lives, waiting for a stroke of fate to transform everything.

What if we looked at love not as a capricious miracle, but as a subtler equation?

One where chance offers opportunities, yes — but where our inner readiness and conscious action are just as vital.

This brings us to the powerful formula: Luck = Opportunity × Preparation.

This formula, often quoted in the world of entrepreneurship, applies surprisingly well to love too.

I. Beyond Luck: The Equation of the Encounter

Opportunity: What the Universe Brings Us

Opportunity represents the uncontrolable share of the equation — the circumstances that put us in the path of another. It’s the colleague you meet at a new job, the friend of a friend you run into at a party, the stranger seated next to you on a trip.

But opportunity isn’t just spatial and temporal coincidence.

Real opportunity is meeting someone who awakens in us the desire to show up authentically — and who feels safe and open enough to receive that truth.

Not perfect.

But present enough, engaged enough, open enough for the connection to grow.

Someone who makes you think:

"Here, I could try to love without shrinking, without betraying myself."

Still, even the most beautiful opportunity can go unnoticed or be misinterpreted — without inner preparation.

Preparation: Our Inner Readiness

That’s where the second part of the equation comes in: our preparation.

Without it, we might miss or misread even the most powerful encounters.

Preparation happens on many levels:

• Emotional: Are we available to welcome love, or still weighed down by past wounds?

• Cognitive: What mental filters, beliefs, and expectations color the way we perceive others?

• Energetic: What energy are we ready to bring into our connections? What presence can we offer?

If our nervous system isn't prepared for intimacy, stability, or depth, it will shield us from what it sees as a threat and steer us away from anything that might exceed its tolerance limits. Often, without our awareness, it will guide us toward what seems safer or more familiar, even if it isn't what we genuinely need.

We don't attract just what we want — we attract what we're ready to live.

Agency: From Spectators to Creators

Owning this equation is reclaiming our agency.

It’s moving from passive spectator — waiting for love to strike — to active creator of our love life.

This agency shows up concretely through:

• Working on our wounds and relational patterns,

• Clarifying our real needs and desires,

• Intentionally creating spaces where aligned connections can happen,

• Developing the discernment to recognize authentic opportunities.

Far from killing the magic of love, this conscious, active approach actually makes real magic more likely and more sustainable.

Because maybe the true magic isn’t in the sudden appearance of love —but in our ability to recognize it when it comes, and to offer it the fertile ground it needs to grow..

II. From a List of Traits to a Vision of Interactions

We often approach dating armed with a mental checklist of qualities our ideal partner should have:

Tall or dark haired, extroverted or introverted, ambitious or laid-back, adventurous traveler or homebody...This way of thinking is understandable — but it deserves to be challenged.

The Limits of a Trait-Based Approach

Focusing only on a person’s attributes traps us in a mindset of constant evaluation —like ticking boxes on a resume —and can prevent us from truly being present to the person in front of us.

More importantly, matching a list of traits doesn't guarantee real-life chemistry or relational fulfillment.

And this checklist mentality keeps us passive: waiting for the “right person” to appear, rather than engaging actively in building a meaningful connection.

Reframing: Focus on Desired Interactions

What if, instead of defining who we’re looking for, we clarified what kind of relational experiences we long to create?

For example:

• "I want someone funny" becomes → "I want to live a relationship where humor and lightness are part of everyday life."

• "I'm looking for someone cultured" becomes → "I want to share stimulating conversations that feed my curiosity."

• "I want someone affectionate" becomes → "I want to experience intimacy where tenderness flows freely and naturally."

It’s not just semantics.

This shift transforms the entire approach to love.

Taking Responsibility for What We Seek

When we focus on interactions rather than traits, we naturally include ourselves in the equation:

• It engages us personally: if I want open and honest communication, I need to cultivate that openness and honesty within myself.

• It invites self-reflection: what types of relational experiences actually nourish me? In what interactions do I feel most alive, most myself?

• It frames us as co-creators: the quality of a relationship isn’t something the other person solely provides — it’s something we build together.

Expanding Our Possibilities

By defining what we want to experience — instead of what traits the other person must have —we stay open to surprise.

Someone who doesn't match our “list” at all may still offer exactly the kind of connection our soul has been longing for.

Maybe we always imagined we needed an extroverted partner, but discover that someone quieter creates a deeper, more intimate space with us. Or maybe we thought we needed someone similar to us, only to realize that complementarity generates a richer, more dynamic bond.

From Finding the "Right Person" to Becoming the Right Person

This shift transforms the way we approach love.

We’re no longer searching for some perfect pre-existing person to "find" —we’re consciously building a relationship with someone, day by day.

And this leads to a deeper question:

If love is about creating, not just finding...

Are we truly ready to create the kind of experience we say we long for?

Toward Inner Clarity

Clarifying the kind of interactions we desire opens up new possibilities —but it also brings us face to face with deeper questions:

• Are we truly capable of embodying the experiences we seek?

• How do we navigate this expanded space of possibilities without losing ourselves?

To walk this path, we need more than just a wishlist.

We need inner clarity —a clear, living intention that can serve as a compass in our love life.

We need the ability to discern what we truly want to experience — beyond the echoes of our wounds or the projections of our unmet needs.

III. Inner Clarity and Intention

Clarifying what we want to experience in love is essential: knowing what we truly wish to live, what we’re ready to offer, and what we are no longer willing to sacrifice.

But clarity alone isn’t enough.

It only becomes powerful if we’re also able to embody the relational experiences we’re longing for.

It’s not enough to want a tender, deep love. We also have to be willing to welcome tenderness —and to hold the depth without fleeing at the first sign of discomfort.

Where Our Contradictions Show Up

Our contradictions often show up in very human ways:

• We say we want someone generous — but struggle to receive without discomfort, guilt, shame.

• We look for a partner with leadership — but find it hard to let go of control or fully trust.

• We dream of closeness and intimacy — but pull away the moment the bond becomes real and demanding.

These contradictions aren’t flaws.

They’re invitations to grow —to become the kind of partner capable of living the love we desire.

Intention: Navigating with a Flexible Direction

The question of finding love often feels like a paradox:

Should we have a clear vision of what we want, or just trust the flow and leave everything open?

The truth lies somewhere in between: intention.

Having an intention is like carrying a compass — not a detailed map.

The compass gives you a direction to move toward, without locking you into a rigid path. It leaves room for exploration, surprise, and organic evolution — while keeping you connected to what truly matters to you.

The Dangers of Extremes

• If we hold too rigidly to a fixed image of love, we risk:

  • Missing precious encounters because they don’t fit our checklist,

  • Pressuring others to fit our expectations,

  • Leaving no space for the relationship to grow naturally.

    
    

• If we have no direction at all, we risk:

  • Getting lost in relationships that don't truly nourish us,

  • Repeating unresolved relational patterns,

  • Confusing emotional intensity with true compatibility.

A "Flexible Direction" in Love

The healthy middle ground looks like this:

• Non-negotiable core values (like respect, authenticity, commitment...),

• A dynamic vision of what a nourishing relationship feels like — one that can evolve over time,

• Clear but permeable boundaries,

• An evolving awareness of our needs as we grow.

This gives us enough structure to stay true to ourselves —and enough openness to meet the unexpected gifts of life.

Knowing the Difference: Incompatibility vs. Complexity

Along this path, one of the most important skills we can develop is discernment —the ability to tell the difference between real incompatibility and natural relationship complexity.

• Incompatibility involves fundamental, non-negotiable differences:

  • Conflicting core values (like integrity vs. opportunism, fidelity vs. open relationships),

  • Irreconcilable life visions (like wanting children vs. not wanting them, or drastically different lifestyles),

  • Fundamental emotional needs that are opposite (like craving closeness vs. needing lots of independence).

Trying to force compatibility in these areas usually leads to self-betrayal.

• Complexity, on the other hand, is the natural richness of two different people coming together. It’s made of:

  • Differences that can become complementary,

  • Challenges that can strengthen the bond,

  • Opportunities for mutual growth through negotiation, empathy, creativity.

  • An aspect of inaccessibility that can sustain attraction in the long run

    
    

Maybe what truly defines the quality of a relationship isn’t how much we agree, but how we can move through disagreement, separation, and rupture — and toward repair.

When visions diverge, when needs collide, when choices seem incompatible,

what matters is our capacity to pause and dig deeper, to look beneath the surface of the clash, and ask:

What is really at stake for each of us?

What vulnerable longing or unspoken fear lies under this reaction?

What core human needs are we trying to meet — for safety, freedom, belonging, autonomy, love?

Because when we can link a conflict back to the needs we all share, we shift from defending positions to recognizing each other’s humanity.

And from that place, creative solutions can emerge — not by compromising who we are, but by honoring what we both need, and building a new path together.

Relational resilience isn’t about perfect compatibility and avoiding friction.

It’s about learning to walk through unavoidable differences without losing the thread of connection.

Avoiding all complexity would mean condemning ourselves to isolation or superficiality.

Ignoring real incompatibility would mean condemning ourselves to inner erosion.

Discernment between the two is one of the greatest exercises of emotional maturity.

The Courage to Show What We Would Rather Hide

Having inner clarity is powerful.

But it’s not enough.

We also have to find the words to share it —and even more importantly, the courage to do so.

True intimacy begins when we dare to express:

• What we feel,

• What we hope for,

• What we fear — without judgment, manipulation, or attempts to control the other.

True intimacy isn’t just about showing our best parts: our passions, our strengths, our dreams.

It’s also about revealing, what we would rather keep hidden:

• Our most vulnerable needs,

• Our primal fears,

• Our limits — the ones that make us feel fragile or "too much."

It’s about finding the courage to say:

"I need to feel like a priority."

"I'm afraid of being overwhelmed."

"I struggle to trust because I've been betrayed."

"I need tenderness and support, even if I look strong."

"Here’s what I can’t carry alone."

This kind of exposure isn’t easy.

And it’s not a strategy to get something from the other person.

It’s not about manipulating an outcome.

It’s simply about offering ourselves to be truly known —without guarantees, without agenda.

In a world where revealing our bodies often seems less daunting than sharing our naked emotions, such openness can be frightening and should develop gradually as our truth is accepted.

But it is also where real intimacy begins:

in the moment when we show who we truly are — messy, human, unfinished —not to convince or seduce, but simply to say:

"Here I am. This is me."

Finding the Right Person: Emotional Safety

The "right" person isn’t necessarily the one who checks all our idealized boxes.

It’s the person with whom this kind of emotional exposure feels possible and safe.

The one who won’t weaponize our vulnerability against us.

The one whose presence makes us want to be real — because we feel our openness will be honored, not judged, rejected or exploited.

Often, it’s this level of fragile, sincere truth-sharing that becomes the fertile ground for the deepest, most transformative bonds.

IV. The Relationship as a Space of Co-Creation

The idea of "finding your soulmate" suggests there’s a perfect person out there, already fully formed for us, and that meeting them would automatically make everything flow.

But that passive, fairy-tale vision of love doesn’t hold up when faced with the realities of building a real relationship.

Co-Creation Instead of Finding

True romantic alchemy might be better described as discovering someone with whom we can co-create a meaningful connection.

This shift is subtle — but profound.

It moves us from the passive fantasy of “finding the right one” to the active responsibility of building something unique together.

The real question is no longer,

"Is this the right person?"

It becomes,

"Can we create something together that makes both of us grow and thrive?"

This mindset frees us from chasing the illusion of a perfect fit —and invites us to take ownership of the relationship we want to build.

When Similarity Isn't Enough — and Difference Isn't a Problem

Two people who share the same values and dreams may still fail to create a fulfilling connection. Meanwhile, two people who seem very different on the surface can sometimes forge a surprisingly rich, dynamic relationship —precisely because they have the creativity and emotional skill to invent a shared space that transcends their differences.

It's not about "being perfectly matched" —it's about being willing and able to co-create.

The Ingredients of Successful Co-Creation

For a co-created relationship to truly thrive, a few key ingredients seem essential:

• A Shared Vision: Not an identical one, but a sufficiently aligned direction — both for the relationship’s shape and the values that sustain it.

• Transparent Communication: The ability to express needs, limits, and desires without manipulation or judgment — and to really listen to the other’s.

• Creative Flexibility: The skill of adapting without losing yourself, and of inventing solutions instead of getting stuck in rigid ultimatums.

• Commitment to the Process: Seeing the relationship not as a finished product, but as a living, evolving organism that needs attention and care.

• Emotional Generosity: The willingness to give the other person what they need to thrive — without keeping score.

When these elements are present, the relationship becomes a space of mutual expansion —not a place of painful compromises or self-erasure.

The Space Between Us: The "Third Entity"

What’s created between two people isn’t just "you" + "me."

It's something bigger than either of us: the relationship itself.

This third entity has its own needs, rhythms, seasons of growth and transformation.

Recognizing this changes everything.

It means the relationship both belongs to us and surpasses us.

We are simultaneously the architects and the inhabitants, the creators and the creation.

Taking care of the space between us becomes just as vital as taking care of ourselves individually.

Relationships Are Never Static

A real relationship is never frozen.

It evolves, redraws itself, reinvents itself through:

• Our daily interactions,

• Our silences,

• Our conscious — and unconscious — choices.

There’s no “set it and forget it.”

Love is alive — or it withers.

In this perspective, romantic happiness isn’t a prize we stumble upon.

It’s something we shape, together, day after day.

Every glance, every word, every small moment of attention becomes a new brushstroke in the painting of our shared life.

The “right person” isn’t the one who checks every box on our list.

It’s the one with whom we create a living, breathing dialogue —a dynamic where our individualities don’t merge into sameness but lift each other higher.

Real magic isn’t found in a chance, predestined encounter, it’s born from our conscious, creative commitment to become, for each other and with each other a catalyst for the best versions of ourselves.

And Yet...

Even when we have this co-creative spirit, even with all the right ingredients —something inside us can still sabotage the bond before it even begins.

Before we can truly co-create with someone else, we often have to confront and dismantle the invisible barriers we've built inside ourselves.

V. Dismantling Our Inner Barriers

As the poet Rumi wrote so beautifully:

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."

This completely shifts how we approach love.

Instead of obsessively searching for the perfect person "out there", we’re invited to turn inward —toward the hidden walls we’ve built, often without realizing it, that keep love at a distance.

The Invisible Barriers to Love

These barriers can take many shapes, often subtle and deeply ingrained:

• Fears inherited from childhood — fear of abandonment, fear of being smothered, fear of betrayal — that distort how we experience intimacy today.

• Limiting beliefs — about our worth, our lovability, or what we deserve.

• Automatic protection mechanisms — emotional distancing, control, conflict avoidance, over-pleasing.

• Unrealistic romantic ideals — pushing us to reject imperfect but nourishing relationships, or to cling to incompatible partners who merely "check the right boxes."

• Distorted mental narratives — interpreting others’ actions with suspicion, or excusing everything at the cost of our own clarity.

• Rigid attachment to past identities — resisting the growth that real love often requires.

Each of these barriers acts like a blurry lens, warping our perception and making it harder to recognize, welcome, and sustain authentic connection.

Inner Work: Creating a Space of Welcome

Inner preparation isn’t about polishing our dating profile or refining a checklist of ideal traits.

It’s about clearing enough space inside ourselves to be able to welcome real love when it shows up —even if it doesn’t look exactly like we imagined.

The balance isn’t between rigidity and passivity;

it’s between holding a clear intention and removing what blinds us to recognizing the real thing when it crosses our path.

This inner work includes:

• Gentle self-observation of how we react to intimacy,

• Honest exploration of our emotional history and its lingering impacts,

• Questioning old narratives about love, self-worth, and relationships,

• Expanding our emotional capacity — learning to tolerate discomfort, vulnerability, and uncertainty without shutting down.

Seen this way, co-creating love starts long before we meet someone else.

It begins inside us —in the quiet, courageous work of making ourselves truly available.

Conscious Openness: Chosen Vulnerability

Breaking down our internal barriers doesn’t mean throwing ourselves into any relationship indiscriminately.

It means cultivating a conscious, chosen vulnerability —the ability to open with courage when it seems safe enough, while remaining true to our values and self-respect.

From this place of conscious openness, we can:

• Recognize genuine opportunities when they arise,

• Respond fully without letting old fears or defenses hijack us,

• Stay lucid without becoming cynical,

• Stay tender without becoming naive.

Walking the Tightrope

Loving deeply asks us to become a kind of tightrope walker —someone who moves with grace along a narrow line where:

• We open without losing ourselves,

• We choose without clinging,

• We discern without closing our hearts.

The real encounter isn’t the one that strikes us like a lightning bolt.

It’s the one we choose to inhabit fully, day after day —bringing our conscious presence, our willingness to grow, and our faith in the messy, beautiful process of loving another human being.

Conclusion

Romantic love is not just a question of luck or destiny.

It’s a subtle art — an interplay between inner preparation and the ability to recognize and engage with real opportunities.

When we shift our focus from seeking a person who checks our boxes to creating the kind of interactions and relationships we long for, we stop waiting passively for love to "happen" —and step into the role of co-creators of the love we want to live.

But this availability doesn’t happen by accident.

It’s something we have to cultivate — day after day, choice after choice.

It asks us to:

• Clarify what we truly want to experience,

• Become someone capable of offering and receiving that experience,

• And stay open enough to recognize a real connection, even if it doesn’t look exactly how we expected.

So maybe the real question isn’t:

"When will I meet the right person?"

But rather:

"How can I become available for a real encounter?"

"How can I contribute actively to building a relationship that lifts both of us higher?"

A few questions you might sit with:

• What kinds of relational experiences do I deeply want to live?

• Am I capable, right now, of embodying, offering, and receiving them?

• Are there contradictions between what I long for and what I actually tolerate?

• Am I willing to expose my needs, limits, and fears — even when it feels scary?

• What barriers have I built — consciously or unconsciously — against intimacy?

• What core values are truly non-negotiable for me? Am I ready to embody them, not just demand them?

• When have I mistaken a projection of my wounds for a real connection — and what does that teach me about myself?

These aren’t questions to make you doubt yourself.

They’re invitations to clear space —so that when a real encounter appears, you’ll be ready to recognize it, welcome it, and co-create it consciously, freely, and wholeheartedly.